I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
