Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just googled if crying burns calories
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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