mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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