I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
