I wish I could teleport
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
