then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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