life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize