I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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