I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
