my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
