I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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