I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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