So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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