I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Randomize
