I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
