dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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