I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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