Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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