Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You smell like stripper and shame
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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