everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
