the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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