Im at strip club and am horny
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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