I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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