New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
