At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
