there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Randomize
