I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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