Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
