cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
