The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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