He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
