shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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