Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
