I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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