I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
