I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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