so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
