I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
