I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
