He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
