im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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