when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
