the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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