Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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