I accidentally burped into my bong.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
