There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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