you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
