John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
