She said her name was "party"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
