I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Send help, water and tortillas.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
