if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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