evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
