physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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