Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
