my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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