I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
